I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
