our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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