It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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