My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
