Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
