Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
