totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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