Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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