woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
