Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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