Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
