I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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