I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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