Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
