you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
