I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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