Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
