Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
