dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
The best revenge is premature balding
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
