I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
