I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
