I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
my poor anus
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
