The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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