My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
