My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
