Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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