I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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