I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Barsexuality is the new black.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
