I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
