Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
