I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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