At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
