Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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