Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
