he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
