You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
