I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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