Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
