My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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