It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
