It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
