Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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