just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
