my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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