I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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