Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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