we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need to sanitize my soul.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
