i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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