My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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