So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
