Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
