Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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