I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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